I’m starting to like everything….. Again.

I have these extremely weird moments. I’ve tried to figure this out, I can’t. This has been a recurring thing. I’ll go out and somehow I’m the life of the party. Everyone is saying, that I’m so cool. I’m such a nice person. It’s a crap ton of compliments after another. Don’t get me wrong… I do enjoy hearing it. However, too much of it can gross me out. If someone finds me attractive. I usually shut it down with… “Eww! I’m your friend, that’s gross!” Even though, I’ve just met you a minute ago. I’m just like, “No!!!!!!!!”

Before we were all stopped in our tracks. I’m talking the thing that occurred in March of 2020. I was out every other night. I would be partying all weekend. There were moments when all kinds of strange things happened. The next day when you look at your stories on social media. You have the “Oh crap!” moment as you relive the shenanigans. I’ve met a ton of new acquaintances. While, I’m no longer speaking to a few. I’m still appreciative for the experience. For the record… Nothing has happened, I’ve just learned that some aren’t for me. However, the ones that I’ve hooked up with. We are still very much in touch. Listen…. You might be in need one moment.

Fast forward to today… It’s July 1, 2020. I’ve been going out since the phases thing. I’ve reconnected with a few friends, relatives and coworkers. That has been truly amazing. I’ve been to a wedding, baby shower and a few birthday parties. These have all been following rules and guidelines. I’ve gotten my entire life at a few Drag Shows and saw Fire Island for the first time. Lately, I’ve been getting myself back into performing, I’m producing music and reading scripts. The problem is.. I’ll do a performance, then I disappear for a few weeks. I’ll cancel hangout dates and whatnot. Okay, Ive done a performance for charity. I had a blast recording this. You can clearly tell that I was. When the performance aired… I went out to brunch and pumped my body with mimosas. I couldn’t watch this thing sober. As I’m watching at home alone. The comments are going up. We were a hit! Deep down, I knew this. My duet partner was phenomenal! We even decided to perform together for now on. The next day we had an event that all the performers came to honor the Emperor and Empress. Every one was telling me how great I was and they want to see more of me. That freaked me out!!! While, I smiled and said “Thank You”. I wanted to puke my guts up. Also, I’ve been taking myself out on these solo dates. Since, I’ve officially became single. I’ve been enjoying the alone time. A LOT!!!!!!! I don’t have to talk to anyone and enjoy myself.

I was told that I can be over-confident and under-confident at the same time. Part of that comes from growing up. Before my mother passed away. I was pretty much placed on a pedestal. She called me a her prince. I was always complimented on my appearance and my  achievements. The entire neighborhood knew how much my mother loved me. I remember some calling it a but much. It wasn’t.. My mom had only one child. Also, I was planned. Those were the best years of my life. I had the entire world when she was alive. A lot of family members would say that she spoiled me. When I look back at it now. The jealously was real!! I don’t know why the were.. They either had siblings or their dad living with them. I don’t get it. I never will and I don’t really plan to. The moment when she passed away. The compliments were gone. I would bring home a glowing report card. Or, I would receive an accolade. The feedback would usually be an “Okay or You think that you’re better because of this?” It was like… Damn!! I would be made fun of when I performed in a play. It was never a congratulations or good job. Your mom would be proud of you. The friends that came around were misfits. I was even called an Oreo. I was bullied at school. Then to come home to the people that were supposed to protect and set a good example.  My world was shattered, I felt like this was happening, Due to my mother not being around to protect me. I was a sensitive and vulnerable kid. They took advantage and got away with it.  This went on for many years.

While I’m no longer in a relationship with certain family members. I still feel a bit of anger. However, I’m not the one that looks for retaliation. I’m a firm believer in karma. What goes around will definitely come right back. I’m reading books on how to regain my confidence full strength. Also, I shifted my surroundings a great deal. I just need to accept that I am this dope, handsome and talent individual. I need to feel this before I can accept it. I’m due to perform later this month. I’m also going on a weekend trip. I’m supposed to meet someone that is interested. I’m totally freaking out. I’m like,”Oh gosh, Why me?” I’m just glad that I didn’t check out a few years ago. I’ll be damned If I let anyone else tell my story.

Author: Chazz.

Just some skinny pizza eating freak from Brooklyn. A lot of people say that I'm awesome. Which is dope! Now I want the universe to think so too.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *